


Solace

by Galewing



Series: Galewing's Wattpad Museum [1]
Category: Natasha Pierre and the Great Comet of 1812 - Malloy
Genre: Angst, Confessions, F/F, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-28
Updated: 2019-12-28
Packaged: 2021-02-19 01:08:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22002808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Galewing/pseuds/Galewing
Summary: Mary is a kind woman. She'd never want to do this, and yet... She couldn't let the relationship continue if there were no passion behind it.She quickly realized it was for the best, and attempts to find some sort of comfort in the one friend that she trusts above all else, Sonya.
Relationships: Marya "Mary" Nikolaevna Bolkonskaya/Nikolai Ilyitch Rostov, Marya "Mary" Nikolaevna Bolkonskaya/Sofia "Sonya" Alexandrovna Rostova
Series: Galewing's Wattpad Museum [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1583815
Kudos: 6





	Solace

**Author's Note:**

> Original Release Date: June 26th, 2018
> 
> Fun Fact: this fanfic is from a bygone era in which i was a Lot more involved in this fandom than i am today. i still think this musical is great, i have just moved in to other, much more active fandoms (see also: the other works i'm gonna reupload,,,) enjoy! releasing fanfics on a tablet is hard, lmao

This couldn't be sustainable.

How could it, when she felt nothing between them anymore? Come to think of it...Did she ever feel anything between herself and Nikolai in the first place? The more she thought about it, the more she realized that the reason she had gotten together with him in the first place was less about genuine love and more about preserving the family name, about not disappointing her father.

Her father... She has never held any ill will towards him, however nasty he may have been towards her, but she couldn't help but be afraid... How would he react if she were to break it off with her betrothed? How would all of Moscow react?

Even more worrying, she thought with a start... how would they react if they learned she wasn't interested in men at all?

If she was being honest, this was a recent discovery for her. For pretty much all her life, she assumed she would get married to a wonderful man who would provide for her and her family, because that's what all women did, right? Why would she be any different? Deep down, however, she knew that the thought of marriage to a man brought no joy to her; she just wasn't interested. But what would become of her if she was never married off? She'd be seen as plain and insolent, not just by her father, but all of Russian society. This was the thought process that brought her to now; laying in bed next to Nikolai, facing away, trying her best not to make contact with him.

It wasn't that she saw him as a bad man, no. Rather, she always felt...repulsed, in a way, when men sought after her affection. She recalled, with disgust, how Anatole had been a potential candidate for marriage. Clearly, that must have been a decision that the family regretted horribly, after what he did to Andrei and Natasha.

Thinking back to that day; the chaos, seeing the devastation on her brother's face, seeing Natasha so frail, weak, and devastated...and Sonya. On that day, having met with Natasha's family, attempting to help them through all this... She realized just how beautiful she found other women. After having met with Sonya several times after the failed elopement, she was able to disprove a long held belief of hers; she wasn't uninterested in marriage altogether, but she only found the thought of it gratifying if it was with another woman. Not that she was going to rush to the Rostova household right this minute and ask Sonya for her hand, no, but... Searching her feelings and her thoughts, she knew it to be true.

She was in love with this woman.

There was no way around it, and she knew it. Every time that she interacted with Nikolai in any way to make it seem like she was perfectly happy with their relationship, she would think of Sonya there instead; going to balls and family gatherings with her, holding and kissing her, being able to call her her betrothed, God, it seemed so pure and perfect...

But it couldn't work. It was all a fantasy, and she knew that.

There was no way they could be together. Not because of her religion, mind you; unlike many other followers of God she knew, Mary didn't see any form of love between people as "sinful" or "dirty", and the notion of that being the truth confused her. Rather, she knew that Russian society wouldn't be having any of it, let alone her father. Breaking it off with Nikolai would be hard enough, but entering into a loving relationship with Sonya, only to be met with ridicule and hatred, wasn't a pain she was willing to bear. Sonya couldn't ever be her "dirty little secret" that she'd have to hide from society...

No. She was kidding herself. Sonya would never be interested in her, and she knew that. She'd probably be disgusted upon finding out about Mary's feelings for her, anyway, so it's best that she represses her feelings so they can remain friends.

She'd have to deal with Nikolai sometime tomorrow, though. Remaining in a relationship where the attraction is one-sided and unwanted by her wasn't right. Not for her, and especially not for him.

With that, she shuts off her mind and falls asleep for the night.

\----

Later the next day, Mary decides it is time to tell Nikolai the truth. She shouldn't dwell on it, and she doesn't want him to grow suspicious.

"Nikolai? Can we talk...?", Mary asks in a quivering voice.

Nikolai looks up from the book he was reading. "Of course, Masha. What's wrong?"

She takes a deep, shaky breath. "Well... Recently, I've been thinking some stuff over...about us..." She looks at the floor, her anxiety apparent.

"About our marriage? Oh, it'll be wonderful, won't it?", Nikolai responds.

Oh Lord in heaven, how could she break this to him now? She allows herself a few moments of silence before she speaks again, her voice now hushed with fear. "About that... Nikolai, I don't think we should be married," she states, focusing on the pattern of the carpet to keep herself grounded.

More silence. Mary doesn't dare look to see his expression, though she has an idea of what it looks like. "...What? Masha, you can't be serious...?", Nikolai responded. Mary winced at how shocked his voice sounded.

"I... I am. This isn't any fault of your own, I promise. I just..." She trails off, trembling a bit now.

"You just what? Whose fault is this, then, Marya??" So she's not using "Masha" anymore... Good, she thinks, ashamed at her relief.

"If you're implying I have my sights on someone else, you're wrong, Nikolai." It's only a half lie, but she feels terrible nonetheless. "I don't... feel an attachment towards you. Not in the same way you do. Don't you think our marriage would be miserable if I didn't feel the love you feel for me?" I hope he understands at least that, Mary tells herself.

"...You're right, Masha."

A sigh of relief.

"Especially not when the woman I love is pining over my goddamn cousin!!", Nikolai suddenly exclaims.

What?? How does he know?? Mary feels her heart rate go way up, her breath quickening. "Wh-- No!! What made you think that??" It's a last ditch effort, but maybe denying it will help?

"Don't play stupid, Masha." Nope. "I've seen what you write in your journals about her--"

"Wait, wait, what??" Mary cuts in. "You read those? Nikolai, those are private! Why would you read them?", she snapped weakly. She was standing up by now, a look of anger on her face, though tears began to poke out of her eyes. How dare he?

"I've seen you write in them before, Mary. I thought you could confide anything in me...", he claimed, his voice unwavering.

"Nikolai, everyone needs to let their thoughts out somehow!! It shouldn't be your business who you share it with! If you want me to trust you, then don't like your nose into my personal thoughts. How would you like it if I eavesdropped on every single conversation of yours--"

"How do you think I like it knowing that my betrothed is in love with someone else, let alone has their eyes on women in general??"

She froze. How could she have possibly given this man the benefit of the doubt? He clearly hated her for who she was... The tears were flowing freely now. "I'm done, Nikolai. Goodbye." With that, she stormed out of their house.

"Never come near me or my family again. You disgust me," Nikolai snarled, no signs of sympathy making itself clear on his face.

\----

It was raining. Of course it was.

Someone like her doesn't deserve sunlight.

She had nothing left. Not after what he had said. The Rostovs were wonderful to her, barring Nikolai; they always had her back... And now it was all ruined. Nikolai would tell them what happened and how selfish and disgusting she was, they would believe her, she'd be outcast from society, her family would hate her, and she would have no one left to turn to.

These thoughts kept barreling down on her mind as she sank down on a bench somewhere, sobbing her eyes out, wherever she was... She didn't know anymore. All she knew of was her own ruin, her own scorn on her family, everything was lost, all was gone--

"Marya?"

She jumped, having been startled out of her misery by the familiar, timid voice. She turned to face her. "Sonya...? Why are you here?" She quickly turned away, remembering Nikolai's harsh words.

"Oh, I was just coming home after it started storming like this, and I couldn't help but notice -- hey, what's wrong?"

No response.

"Mary, you know you can talk to me..."

....She couldn't ignore Sonya.

She explains everything to her, how she broke it off with Nikolai, how he got angry and called her names, how she had ran out of their house... She didn't tell her why he got mad, though. Not yet.

"And then, just before I left... He told me I could never speak to you or any of the Rostovs again..." She was a weeping mess by the time she was done, her hands covering her face and rubbing at her puffy, bloodshot eyes.

"Mary...look at me, dear." Hesitantly, Mary turns to face Sonya. "My family would never turn you away, no matter what. It was your decision to not remain with him, and he, of all people, should know that by now." Oh, if only she knew... 

"Oh dear, this storm is really picking up!! You're soaking wet... Do you mind at all if I take you to our house?" 

Oh no... Nikolai might be there. But Marya was a kind woman, she wouldn't turn on her...right? "No, I don't mind that at all. That would be nice..." She hopes beyond hope that he isn't there.

"Well, let's go before you catch your death out here!! We can talk more inside..."

\----

Sonya goes up to the door and knocks. Mary winces; please, anyone but Nikolai answer that door--

"Sonya, what are you doing out in this ghastly weather? And is that Mary behind you? Oh my, you two need to get inside right now!"

Mary silently thanks God that Marya even gave her a passing glance.

She ushers the two of them inside. "I'll make soup for both of you, but please, change out of those soaked clothes first!!" 

"But I didn't bring any--"

She then gets fresh, dry clothes thrown at her, which she promptly catches on her arms.

Before Mary goes off to find a washroom, Sonya stops her by grabbing her hand. In a hushed tone, she asks her, "Do you think you could stop by my room once you've changed? I want to talk about this more, if you don't mind, of course."

"...No, of course I don't mind." She wouldn't pass up an opportunity to talk to Sonya, but she was truly anxious... Does she know..?? Oh Lord, anyone but her--

"Alright, just come to my room once you're ready!"

Mary promptly finds a washroom, where she changes into the clothes so gracefully tossed at her by the dragon of the household and tries to dry herself off as much as she possibly can. When she is satisfied, she goes over to Sonya's room and knocks.

"You can come in!" 

She opened the door to find Sonya sitting on the bed, having changed into new clothes. "Come, sit next to me..." 

Mary goes over and sits beside her. "So...what did you want to speak to me about?"

"Well...." Sonya shifted a bit, seeming to try and figure out how to word her next sentence. "...I...don't mean to be intrusive or anything, but... if I may ask, what did Nikolai get mad at you about, really? I want to know why he reacted so strongly to your refusal... I've never known any spouse to react that way."

Of course. She hadn't worded her ramblings from earlier well enough to hide the fact that she was removing details from her well enough. But...She couldn't tell her. "I know... But maybe, this time was different? He might've gotten his hopes up over me, you never know, and you haven't been engaged yet, have you?" Mary went on like this for a while, an anxious grin on her face as she tried in vain to justify her now ex-spouse's reaction.

"Mary," Sonya interrupted with a firm, but not harsh, tone. "I know that none of that is true. I know Nikolai...and I know he has a tendency to be harsh about some things, but...never like this, not to an engagement being broken off. There has to be some other reason..."

Having been hit with a wave of fresh anxiety at her words, Mary involuntarily turns her gaze away from Sonya. "...Oh Lord, help me..." , she whispers, almost inaudible as fresh tears prick at her eyes. Do I really have to tell her?

Sonya, having detected Mary's distress, grabbed her hand, running her thumb against it soothingly. "You know, you don't have to tell me while you're still trying to process what happened to you. It'll do no good to keep it in, but... We can stop talking for a bit and just hang out here, if that's what you want. You can tell me later..."

"No," Mary decided. "I think I should tell you now... I owe you that much..." Her voice began to crack on the last words. 

"You don't owe me anything, Marya... But go right ahead. I'm right here..."

God, how could someone be so kind and gentle, especially towards someone like her? She didn't understand it, she didn't deserve her friendship... Mary took a deep breath, still not making eye contact with Sonya, and began to speak. "...If I'm being honest with myself, I didn't marry Nikolai out of any sort of love for him. To tell you the truth, Sonya... I never loved him..." Come on, she knows that already! "I've...never loved any man, Sonya...not ever." She shrinks into herself, her voice cracking as she tried to admit the one thing she's dreaded telling her. "But...ever since I befriended you, after the whole thing with Natasha, I... I realized that it wasn't men I loved, but women, and oh God, I think I've fallen for you... That's what I wrote about in a journal of mine, and then Nikolai found it, and everything is ruined...Sonya...I'm so sorry..." There. She finally said it. God, why would she say that? Mary begins sobbing all over again into her hands, bracing herself for incredible amounts of shame.

She fully expected to be kicked out of the house any minute now.

And yet, after a moment of silence, Mary feels no shame or anger from Sonya; rather, she feels her soft arms wrap around her, pulling her into a (somewhat happy??) embrace.

"Mary, I..." Sonya pauses, seemingly at a loss for words. "...I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not wanting you sooner about how my cousin, among other things, has no regard for the privacy of anyone, but also... I should've told you the way he felt about people like us..."

"Sonya, you really don't have to apologize, I- wait, what?" People like...us? Does that mean...? "Sonya...you... you're...?"

"...Yes, I... I'm a lesbian, too!" Sonya chuckled a bit, the sound managing to bring a very slight smile to Mary's face. "And, I... I think I feel the same way. About you, I mean."

"You--" God, she was certainly going to faint right here, there were way too many emotions surging through her at once. "But...how would we...express this? We don't exactly live in an accepting society..."

"I know that already, and I know that today's events seem to cement that..." Sonya tilts Mary's head up towards her, meeting her eyes. "But... as far as I know, the rest of my family seem to be a lot more open to things like this. As for Nikolai...We'll deal with him later." Mary's face drops at the mention of Nikolai, knowing that there was still much to be sorted out between him and herself.

"However, there is one thing I do know for certain, and it's that..." Mary feels herself being tugged towards Sonya, and at once, she feels Sonya press a kiss just on the corner of her mouth, and oh god, her face hasn't ever felt this warm, has it? "I'll help you through all of it. The whole of Moscow could be after us, and I'd still do my best to help you, and you alone. Alright?"

...Alright? God, this was more than alright-- her own friend, who she had been pining over for the past few months, reciprocating? This couldn't be real. Mary practically falls back into Sonya's arms, tears selling in her eyes yet again, but now out of overwhelming gratitude. "...I understand, Sonya, I...thank you..so much..."

"It's no problem, Mary, really..." The two of them stayed like that for quite a while, and Mary began to think about all she was risking... Her father still didn't know of their split, and neither did the Rostovs, besides Sonya. She knew that her father wouldn't be pleased, and dealing with everyone else's reaction was a whole different issue entirely, as was this connection that was between herself and Sonya. However, Mary began to feel a faint glimmer of hope... Maybe things wouldn't be so bad after all. With Sonya at her side, maybe she could be happy for once in her life.

Yes, Mary thought. Things might just be alright.


End file.
